Snail to no Avail

So today was my fourth (?) squat challenge day which is proving not be that bad after all and yesterday was my number 3 fast day, which proved to be pretty bad. I was so hungry during the day I almost started on my own foot, but in a few weeks I’ll be able to tell you if it was worth it or not.

I was saying the other day that I wish I were a little more of an obsessive compulsive when it comes to doing things and getting on with things, whereas I am more of an “obsessive repulsive”, but there’s one thing I can get pretty compulsive about and that is hunting the internet for symptoms and illnesses which I then convince myself I have and have to worry about NON-STOP lest I lower my guard and allow them to creep, unseen and unnoticed into my body and life. No doctor will be able to reassure me once I’ve convinced myself there’s something wrong with me. I either sit watching them with eyes the size of menacing slits, thinking (your degree means nought, I read stuff on the internet!) or whimpering, gasping for air and hyperventilating and making a total ass of myself while the doctor in question begins to write a note to refer me to a psychologist. Pregnancy was the worst time because of all the doctors’ appointments I had and all the tests I had to do, I just built my anxiety to such high levels before I went for the medical check-up or before I picked up the results that I spent 9 months in a state of constant panic when all along…. I mean all along I hadn’t even been worrying about the right thing, cause I had yet to face giving birth!!!

I am a disaster of a human being. I think I quite resemble a snail, I move at a very slow pace and carry a burden of fear and doubt around wherever I go (which isn’t very far).I just can’t let go of it. I know it will catch up with me and bludgeon me over the head, so I might as well keep it where I can sort of keep my eye on it (can snail’s antennas twist round to see behind them?).

Wink wink


DAY 2 – TGF Thank God it’s Friday (cause tomorrow it’s Saturday!)

Enlightenment of the day: no two Chinese takeaways are ever exactly the same

So today is my rest day from the imperial butt challenge (and I don’t miss it) and it is also Chinese takeaway night. What is it about takeaways? They are NEVER the same. I have to say, the best Chinese din dins I have had was in Lisbon believe it or not. It was like haute cuisine compared to what we get here in Italy. Yum!
Still on the fast diet, I have calculated my TDEE (total daily energy expenditure) which appears to be 2000 cals (EEEH AH, I’ve got a bag of jelly snakes in my boot!), so today I am ok as long as I stay within that limit. And I can, I shall, I will, I must, I have to (especially since I skipped lunch…. But DO not do this unless you’re an adult and you know all about the fast diet, please!)

Talking about not being an adult and specifically about being a TEENAGER: what the heck is wrong with you guys??? Looks like sometimes taking a selfie is more important that stopping violence, defending your friends….I am referring to an article which appeared in an Italian tabloid today….. for those of you who know Italian here is the link (nobody tried to stop this girl who was beating up a classmate, they all just filmed it with their mobiles!)

Please…. Try and change this trend, will you? I mean, I was still playing Barbies at your age. I am in no way saying that is a cool thing. In fact, that is SO NOT a cool thing, so forget I ever even said that. But maybe playing Barbies is not as UNcool as filming a classmate, no matter how geeky she is, while someone else kicks her head in? I mean, where have all the heroes gone? Have they all retired? Is your grandpa the only Batman we have left?
Life is such an amazing journey, try and enjoy it, try and stand up for what you believe in, don’t betray who you are. Be your own Barbie, Ken or G. I. Joe or My Little Pony… if you must! Just be something different, something COOL.

wink wink

Day 1 (this challenge is damn challenging!)

Enlightenment of the day: “You realise things are getting really bad when you begin to identify with articles in Woman and Home”

So, the 30 day squat challenge is actually on its second day for me, which, lemme check, is 55 squats! God, it was hard, but not too hard as I have dabbled in the squatting sections of life many atime before… (don’t get me too wrong). I could post a picture of my before and after ass, but being prone to depression, I wouldn’t like the before picture to trigger another bout (not joking!). If you’ve checked out my previous post, you’ll have found the link to what the 30 day squat challenge is all about…. (and apparently it’s already old stuff on the internet). Basically you increase your number of squats per day, until, on day 30, you have a floor tile or parquet-shattering episode related to the sudden prolapse of the intestine (don’t google this!), but on the other side, you gain a wonderful ass and you’ll even get the chance to show it off at the A&E (or ER or Pronto Soccorso). You lose some, you gain some.

As for the fast diet (otherwise known as 5:2 diet) have you checked that out yet? Well, let me sum it up. Basically you can eat like a pig for 5 days a week and then, for 2 days a week, Monday and Thursday usually, you are only allowed 500 kcals if you’re a woman, 600 if you’re a man. Apparently it has some very positive effects on your health too. The hard part for me is deciding how much I can honestly pig out on a feast day…. fast days are really no problem, cause I am the kind of person who needs to be given limits cause she (me) cannot give herself limits. I cannot give myself limits, deadlines, boundaries, rules…. no, no, no… but wait…if someone else does, I turn into a goose-stepping soldier…. honestly….isn’t that pathetic???
So I had my first fast day on Monday and it went really well. Of course I was hungry during the day, but I just drank loads of water and braved it through and at dinner time I couldn’t even eat all of the 500 calories (1 poached egg, 100 grams of smoked salmon, slice of bread, veggies with some raw olive oil)!!!! So tomorrow is my next fast day and we’ll see how it goes…. but as I said, the feats days are my problem.

My novel. Ok, so I have been working a little and writing this blog a little and doing squats and being a mum and a er… wife… a little… so my progress in my novelling section is…. I bought this amazing cork board which I am going to attach to the back of my kitchen door to keep track of the outline of my bestseller-to-be… there’s an Italian saying that goes…. “Who starts well.. is half way to getting there.”
That must be me, I am half Italian after all!


How is it that one morning you wake up and a few years of your life have passed and you’re left wondering: where the heck did they go?

Over the past three years I’ve had a wonderful son, but I’ve also grown lazy, become slightly pudgy and can’t seem to shift my fat ass unless it’s to get to the fridge (or the restaurant).  Chewing on a banana muffin I am lazily (what else??) asking myself how is it that in your childhood, days seemed to stretch on forever, in a “golden haze” and now whole chunks of time, years are just gone in the blink of an eye? How is it that you can so easily lose enthusiasm or be defeated by the weight of things that shouldn’t, let’s face it, be that heavy after all? It’s easy to act as if some evil puppeteer is controlling our lives (well maybe someone is, like aliens who are using us like human batteries, sucking up all our energy…. hey, wait a minute, that would explain it!) but at the end of the day, the only one missing out on the potential party is yourself or me, in this case.
I wish I were like some of those people who complain that they “just cannot keep still”, you see, these people need, (need!) to be doing something all the time, to be producing, to be productive, proactive, interactive and all these wonderful, wonderful things. Sometimes it is a victory for me if I can drag myself out of bed and take a shower (yes touch of post natal depression there, but we’ll discuss that some other time, luckily for you), it is a victory if I can go grocery shopping and pick up a jacket at the dry cleaners, it is a super victory if I can do something creative, like a write a few pages of my novel, paint, draw, sing, things I used to do normally once upon a time, before this fear or laziness kicked in.

So here goes, I think it’s just time to GET IT ON! Or rather, to get on with it!

For the next 30 days I am going to try to…. (big breath) shift weight by doing the Fast diet , tackle the (in)famous butt challenge, otherwise known as the 30-day squat challenge and get the first (rough) draft of my novel completed, which I also tried doing in November by joining the amazing November Writing Months ….. I did almost get there…. but three quarters of the way in I made the mistake of re-reading what I had written….which was supposedly I big NO-NO…. and that brought on endless editing and was the beginning of the slippery slope which ends in the recycle bin on your desk top.

Why only 30 days? Cause I’m not very good at keeping promises (just like Sting 🙂 , especially those I make to myself, so…  let’s say I want to try and make it less likely for me to fail (such an ugly word!). Argh, come on! How hard can it be to stick with a plan for 30 days? Stick around and you’ll find out….