So today was my fourth (?) squat challenge day which is proving not be that bad after all and yesterday was my number 3 fast day, which proved to be pretty bad. I was so hungry during the day I almost started on my own foot, but in a few weeks I’ll be able to tell you if it was worth it or not.

I was saying the other day that I wish I were a little more of an obsessive compulsive when it comes to doing things and getting on with things, whereas I am more of an “obsessive repulsive”, but there’s one thing I can get pretty compulsive about and that is hunting the internet for symptoms and illnesses which I then convince myself I have and have to worry about NON-STOP lest I lower my guard and allow them to creep, unseen and unnoticed into my body and life. No doctor will be able to reassure me once I’ve convinced myself there’s something wrong with me. I either sit watching them with eyes the size of menacing slits, thinking (your degree means nought, I read stuff on the internet!) or whimpering, gasping for air and hyperventilating and making a total ass of myself while the doctor in question begins to write a note to refer me to a psychologist. Pregnancy was the worst time because of all the doctors’ appointments I had and all the tests I had to do, I just built my anxiety to such high levels before I went for the medical check-up or before I picked up the results that I spent 9 months in a state of constant panic when all along…. I mean all along I hadn’t even been worrying about the right thing, cause I had yet to face giving birth!!!

I am a disaster of a human being. I think I quite resemble a snail, I move at a very slow pace and carry a burden of fear and doubt around wherever I go (which isn’t very far).I just can’t let go of it. I know it will catch up with me and bludgeon me over the head, so I might as well keep it where I can sort of keep my eye on it (can snail’s antennas twist round to see behind them?).

Wink wink

Annunci